sdg 2

“Hey, are you gonna be at the thing tonight?”
She looked at me like an idiot. That hurt. Good.
“Um, I think I’ll be there.”
“Oh right, of course. I’ll see you there, then?”
She seemed relieved. “Yeah, sure. Meet me at the tree, okay?”
“Oh, uh, where was that again?”
Blank eyes. “You don’t know? How do you not know? Have you even been there before?”
“Uh, well, I haven’t personally been, but I know all about it from my brother.” That was an enormous lie, by the way.
“Okay, whatever. We’ll, uh, see what happens. I’ve got to go to work.” Oh, right. She was in the thing. Idiot.
“Oh, yeah, of course. Do you want a ride?”
“I’d rather take the bus.”
“Okay, yeah. I’ll talk to you soon?” She didn’t respond. She was already halfway down the street, with her back to me. I was standing still, perpendicular to the sidewalk. This happened sometimes. Pretty often, actually. What an amazing girl, i thought. Then i went home and cut myself.
It had been three days since Cassandra had said more than a few words to me. We woke up in silence, she got dressed with her back to me, and left the house before i got up. She had other arrangements with her friends, who I wanted to strangle so i could be her only friend. She texted while i was in the room, and gave me those looks when i tried to make conversation. I’d never admit it, but I had no idea what she was mad about. So much to choose from, i guess. Not being good enough for her? That’s what it would really be, right? There would be some date I’d forgotten, or some thoughtless thing i’d said, but that was all it would amount to. I was a dick who had somehow ended up with the best person in the world, and I was doing a pretty unconvincing job trying to hide it. Fuck. I really hope i don’t lose her.
I came up to her on the couch. “Hey, cutie. How was your day?” She said, “Fine?” then silence. I hesitated.
“Hey, can I talk to you about something?”
“Do you always have to have something to talk about? God.”
“Yeah, sorry. It was stupid.”
“You don’t even have anything to say,”
“No.” But I couldn’t control it now, tears were already rolling down my face. She saw it, and straightened up. She started using her nice voice, and maybe on some level I knew it was a trick, but it was too deep to come to the surface except as a sort of dull aching. I could still convince myself that she loved me, for now. For now.
Cassandra had been in an accident a few days earlier. No one was hurt, but it scared her enough that she didn’t want to drive home. She took the bus instead, and her head ached in a concerning way the whole time. She decided not to tell me about this. I had a habit of making everything about myself. Just once she needed to be the one reassured. Or at least to get some sleep.
She got home that day, fell straight on the couch, and didn’t say a word. I asked her how her day went, and she shrugged it off. Then I got upset that she wasn’t talking to me and threw a fit. Her head was pounding and she felt sick. She apologized, and turned her attention back to me. She could still convince herself that she had been unfair to me, for now. For now.
There was a note on the front door. “Look, Chris, I’ve got stuff to do, so I’ll make this quick. This relationship isn’t making me happy. Actually, it’s making my life hell. So I’m moving out.
This may make you sad. So, I’m leaving you my sad mixtape, and I hope it helps. No contact please.”
She’d said no contact, but i knew she’d be texting in a few months. If i’d deleted her number, she’d be upset. She wouldn’t be coming back, though.
I deleted her number.
But i’d be listening to her sad mixtape.
The house looked weird without her stuff. I felt hurt and vindicated, and i kept imagining her reaction; no, the reaction she should have had; if she could’ve read my mind. I passed out on my bed.
Next morning i woke up, and for one brief moment life was back to normal. Then i remembered everything.
I have to live without her, something might have said. And something, somewhere, that had been holding on for a long time, finally broke.


Talk back, yo. :)

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