sdg 3

They say if you really understood someone, you would love them. But i understand myself, and i don’t love myself. Cassandra understands me, and she doesn’t love me. If you understood me, you probably wouldn’t love me.
I only get sad on my best days. They’re the only days i’m capable of something as hard as sadness. I don’t care enough to do drugs.
I hate when people leave. Everybody else wants shorter goodbyes than i want. I’m so sick of seeing the backs of people’s heads.
I don’t care how late it is. You empty my veins both day and night. I don’t care about breathing. You took half the sky along wherever you went, you took it with you when you left, and the rest i callously erased when i destroyed my only way to you. Expanding my empty lungs is no easier than not. Why do i do it? Force of habit. Oh, Cassandra, why don’t you see that i did it for you? You were the one who wanted no contact. We both know why i had to delete it. Oh, Cassandra, your anger is nothing to my horror. I always did love you more.
I don’t care about getting better. You wouldn’t care if i got better.
I could probably stay clean for tonight. Yeah, probably. Why should i?
You will always be a part of me. To imagine that i could move on is absurd. That was never what this was. That is not what i am.
I don’t think there’s anything worse than loving and hating someone who doesn’t care about you one way or the other. I’ve thought of Cassandra fifty times today. She probably hasn’t thought of me. Cassandra is central to my life. I am peripheral to hers. They say the devil lives in hell; i do.
The torment of despair is the inability to die. I wander the earth like Cain. Dear God, let someone kill me. Did Cain ever realize that you cursed him twice?
“The truth is i don’t like you much.”
“Yeah, i don’t blame you. But i at least recognize what you are, and that’s something. Most people are too caught up in themselves to see it. I don’t have a self.”
“What am i?”
“An angel.”

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